As a child I never realized I wasn't capable of certain things. My mother never made me feel that way either. I had an eagerness to help others, I loved to point out to others the good qualities they had . It made not only them happy, but it also made me happy too. I've always had the ability to see good in people and capabilities even if they didn't have that many to begin with.
I'd point out what they were capable or potentially capable of. I helped an old friend by relating what she was trying to say when others couldn't understand her Or like my ex bff, to motivate her when she felt she wasn't worth being loved. I'd make others laugh, I'd listen to those who were sad. Parents loved me and saw me as a good friend to their kids. Boyfriends parents saw me as a good person and at times involved me with their family. I was considered a role model that others adored. It gave me a good self esteem.
I never realized that as long as I felt needed I'd be okay and the minute I was alone to depend on my own self worth, I'd feel worthless and incapable of loving myself. I became so involved in helping others feel good about themselves that I didn't realize I had my own inner issues I was able to cover up my own feelings about myself and what I wasn't capable of by helping others with their inner issues. It was a life style I didn't realize I developed to cope with my own inner issues, I was driven to help others who had a disadvantage I didn't. In away it was a type therapy for me.
As a child I didn't realize by doing this, I was able to cover up things I wasn't going to admit to myself until a few weeks ago. The realization was disturbing and disappointing. I wish I could have dealt with those emotions years ago. I may have been able to adapt to my flaws earlier in life then I do now. My mother herself didn't realize it either until I pointed it out to her. Yet she even admitted when she looks back she can see it now too.
Medication covered up my ability to adapt to my circumstances, I was given this as a band-aid for more years then it was worth. This is why I disagree to being medicated for depression. You have to deal with your inner issues. You have to learn to deal with your circumstances, because in the end you only have yourself to depend on. Being medicated did not help me. It made it worse. After being placed on Zoloft for depression I became suicidal. It wasn't until I had taken myself off of the medication the the suicidal feelings went away and left me with unbearable depression of my circumstances. Luckily I have began to understand and recognize whats bothering me and have began learning how to cope or fix the issue.
Update: After years of learning many different issues that would cause me to respond based on past experiences I've come to realize that I used to identify with the feelings I was experiencing as myself. Now in 2020 I'm learning to watch for when I'm identifing myself as my feelings and disengage by say I am not the way I feel, I am feeling/or experienceing this feeling pertaining to this situation. Under circumstances of deppresion or anxity this has helped me disengage from my emotional state fairly quickly and a practice I will continue to use until my subconscious realizes I am not those feelings or emotions anymore.
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